Wednesday, June 24, 2009

"In sickness and in health..." It's for more than just the flu

On May 19, 2009, my husband died. He was 57. As foreign and inconceivable as these words still appear to my present consciousness, I have awakened each morning since to this stark reality with the deepest and near palpable sense of loss imaginable. I not only loved my husband. I was also still very much in love with him when he died, which is what, perhaps, has tipped the scales towards my ultimate acknowledgement that this profound experience of losing a spouse is nothing akin to a divorce. After the failure of my first marriage, I had come to the unfortunate conclusion that divorce was like a death, except the person from whom you were now divorced was still very much alive. Now, I realize the falsity of that conclusion as I am humbly and indelibly struck by the finality of “till death do us part”.

Over the past year or so, I have watched with careful interest the struggles with cancer of the late, former White House press secretary, Tony Snow, "Last Lecture" sensation Randy Pausch, and UK reality-TV celebrity Jade Goody, as well as actors Patrick Swayze and Farrah Fawcett, and certainly identified closely with different aspects of their much-publicized scenarios as only one who is “walking the walk” can. To be sure, I was not the one diagnosed with colorectal cancer that later metastasized to the liver and to both lungs; it was my husband. But I had become his fierce and unwavering advocate, determined to remain one step ahead of his current treatment options and beat this “mistress” that threatened to consume and snatch him away at will. And we were a team. We had been college sweethearts. We had been separated for 22 years not because of a row or argument but by extenuating circumstances, without either of us knowing how to make contact directly. And we had been reunited – by God, we were certain – through extraordinary circumstances on Christmas Day 2001 when my father died, and it was only God that we determined would separate us a second time.

And, make no mistake, my husband fought the good fight. And I was proud of him, proud of how he conducted himself throughout his journey with cancer, proud of the very real inspiration he became to everyone with whom he had contact. Doctors, nurses, fellow patients, our neighborhood supermarket cashiers and checkout personnel, the neighborhood florist, fellow church members, siblings, our immediate family, and close friends can all attest to this. But, perhaps, no one knew better than I did his private struggles and the depths to which he had to dig spiritually to remain optimistic and upbeat despite endless rounds of radiation treatments, surgeries, chemotherapy sessions, alternative interventional radiology procedures, and holistic remedies. Without a doubt, there were times I was in awe of his courage and his strength, times when I knew I would have personally given up were our situations reversed. But I dared not say or imply such a thing. I was his "air" he would tell me, and I was not about to let him suffocate. My husband determined early on not to allow this disease to define his walk, his legacy, or the quality of life that he resolved to enjoy with us. Truthfully, it was not until the last five months of his valiant four and a half-year battle to remain with us that most people became aware of how seriously ill my husband truly was. And I was honored and happy to care for him and attend to the details he no longer could.

On August 24, we would have been married five years. Over the past four and a half years since my husband’s initial awareness that something was very wrong and his official diagnosis, we have looked back often to the time we got married and the vows we took on our wedding day, “…in sickness and in health…” For one hundred percent sure, neither of us were thinking cancer. I very much doubt, in fact, that any typical couple getting married does. Sure, you think the flu…or even a broken something…and yes, you’re willing to run to the corner store for Kleenex and Tylenol, and are even willing to make the proverbial chicken soup. No one’s thinking cancer. Or, something terminal. But, there we were…almost straight out of the starting gate within a few months of our wedding vows with the wind sucked out of our sail. Would we still have gone through with our marriage had we known what was coming down the pike? To be sure, we have asked that question of ourselves several times over the past few years and have come to the unmistakable conclusion: Yes, we would. Has it been an easy road? Unequivocally, no. But, somehow, perhaps because of our faith, we were able to look past our daily circumstance and see God’s grace over our entire situation, if only in bringing my husband full circle and back into my life, which is where he wanted to spend precious time if these were destined to be his final days on earth.

All of which brings me to the unfortunate recognition that not everyone would have chosen to remain together. In fact, as we journeyed through each hospital visit and stay, we became aware of the fascination we provided to several people, from doctors to nurses to patient care technicians. “We’re so glad to see you two together!” they would say, which meant what exactly, we used to wonder at first? Simply, they had seen enough to know that too many couples never make it through such a journey with illness. And we heard the horror stories of men who bolted the minute the diagnosis was given and the wife was facing a double mastectomy, or the women who left for “greener pastures” once the husband was no longer able to support the household or perform sexually as before. “Who are these people?” I would ask, if only to assuage any insecurities my husband might have in that regard.

Without question, I understand the stage of the journey that Farrah Fawcett and Patrick Swayze are now in, and I pray for a miracle for them. I know also the torment their respective partners are going through…and my heart goes out to them. Their journeys have been different with respect to the nature of their relationships. Patrick has been married to his longtime sweetheart, Lisa Niemi, for 33 years while the path for Farrah and Ryan has hardly been a straight one. And it really makes one wonder, doesn’t it, why, now, after a tumultuous but long-term 29-year cohabiting relationship, Farrah is finally saying yes to Ryan’s marriage proposal? Is it just because she knows she is dying and won’t have long to put up with his “bossy” ways? Is it because she has finally seen that commitment has been the watershed issue of their relationship? Or, is there something more fundamental to these marriage vows, when taken with our eyes wide open, which recognizes that marriage is not just about a “piece of paper”? It is a deeper, spiritual acknowledgment that you are willing to walk the walk and not just talk the talk in a relationship, and that you are in it for the long haul, “forsaking all others, for richer for poorer, for better for worse, in sickness and in health till death do you part”. Somehow, “let’s live together, baby” doesn’t quite have the same feel ultimately.

Finally, no divorce could bring the sense of peace I now have that I did everything possible to remain faithful, supportive, and committed to my marriage, and to loving my husband in the way he demonstrated so visibly every day his consuming love and commitment to me. Certainly, I rest also in the knowledge that my husband and I didn’t part because we could not reconcile our differences. And I am grateful for the life lessons I have learned throughout, the insight on and the deep compassion I have now for the millions of couples struggling with prolonged sickness and health issues within their marriage. I am a better person for having walked this walk with my husband, and I would do it again in a heartbeat because of the man he was. If I go back to our beginnings, I remember thinking from the outset what a breath of fresh air this man was. And he proved me right. He knew straight up what he wanted - me - and has continued to love me unconditionally through the years. Beyond the shadow of a doubt, I am left with a distinctly vacant feeling of having lost something extremely valuable, magnified, perhaps, one hundred-fold. But now, my children have seen a fine example of manhood and fatherhood and, as women, what they ought to expect and value in a good husband. That alone is a gift beyond compare. The rest – and our restoration – is now up to God. And He has our full attention.



Editors' Note: We note sadly that Patrick Swayze passed away on September 14, 2009 after a valiant battle with pancreatic cancer. Farrah Fawcett succumbed to anal cancer on June 25, 2009 after a near three-years battle. We convey our deepest condolences to their respective families.



RELATED ARTICLE: Coping when a partner has a terminal illness Times Online- UK, August 28, 2008
Confronting a fatal illness in a partner can put intolerable strain on a couple. But society expects saint-like behaviour. . .


RELATED ARTICLE: Taking Their Lives into Their Own Hands Gainesville Sun, By Lauren Levy- Newsies Contributing Writer, April 17, 2009
When my father was diagnosed with colorectal cancer four years ago, I was not aware of the journey this would take my family on. . . . . . Throughout this process, it has become evident that patients, especially when dealing with multidisciplinary diseases like cancer, need to be thoroughly proactive when it comes to their health care treatments; simply relying on the diagnoses of their doctors without doing their own research can cost them their lives. . .


RELATED ARTICLE:
Once-fatal cancers now treated as a chronic disease International Herald Tribune, By Jane E. Brody, June 17, 2008
Fisch calls the new therapy for advanced cancer "the hitchhiker model." Time is bought by going from point A, the first-line therapy, to point B, the second-line therapy, to point C, the third line of therapy, and so on. The approach can continue indefinitely, as long as new therapies become available and patients remain well enough to withstand the rigors of treatment. But Fisch noted that adding meaningful years to the lives of patients with advanced cancer depends in part on avoiding the attitude, prevalent among some physicians, that cancer is hopeless after it has metastasized. . .


RELATED ARTICLE: Fear is a waste of time Townhall.com- Free Republic.com, By Tony Snow, September 16, 2005
Still, the last few months -- my time of surgery and chemo -- have been the happiest and most thrilling of my life. They have confirmed lessons that seem at once too good to be true, and too important and vital not to be. Here is a short inventory: Faith matters. Prayers heal. Love overcomes. People want to do good for others; they just need excuses. Fear is a waste of time. The worst that can happen is that we'll die -- which happens to everybody, anyway. Until the Grim Reaper comes knocking, we're alive. . .


RELATED ARTICLE:
A diagnosis of cancer is trying for any marriage Boston Globe, By Judy Foreman, August 22, 2005
Obviously, when cancer strikes, there's no easy role in any marriage, whether you're the patient or the spouse. What makes some marriages fall apart under the strain of cancer and others get stronger? That's a tough one, but researchers are finding some clues. . .



Posted by Donna Kassin, President & Founder- The Real Proposal magazine


19 comments:

Betty said...

Marriage is truly more than building up memories of good times; it is a merging of individual efforts in partnership to manage the creation and sustenance of a good family life. Sharing your experience of the ultimate crisis that can befall a family is insightful. There is so much more to this story that needs to be told. I hope that you will continue to share this with others as there are many who are faced with similar difficulties and may benefit from your identifying some of the rare gems that make trials such as these bearable and give hope to those who are left behind.
An important point that people sometimes forget is that even though the outcome may not be what was desired there is reward in knowing that you gave all you could and that your husband or wife also knew that you would move mountains if you could.
I commend you for putting the facts squarely on the table without distracting embellishments.

Yazmina said...

I offer my condolences. Your story touched me and I suspect there's a unique love story here. You express yourself beautifully and I look forward hearing more of your story and buying your book. Seriously.

Glad you raised the point again: there's a world of differences between cohabiting partners and legally wed spouses. That 'piece of paper' scorned by cohabitees may only be a piece of paper, but it is still a significant and covetted piece of paper.

On her deathbed, Farah may just be trying to set things right with GOD. He did say it's a sin to be with someone you're not married to. I wonder what her excuse will be for all those years in between.

I hope she makes it to the ceremony.

Al said...

Your husband's love for you and "the girls" and his passion for God were evident to everyone. He talked about you constantly and I am but another firsthand witness to his "walking the walk". Like many others, I greatly admired and respected him for it.

People tend to say very nice things about people who pass away -- and that is as it should be; it's the right thing to do. But, in your husband's case, all the accolades are deserving. He was the real deal. My condolences.

Patricia said...

Some days ago my daughter who has just lost her husband to colerectal cancer asked me, "What is the most valuable thing you can think of that you have lost?" I thought of one thing immediately, but felt bad with what I wanted to say, so I told her I couldn't think of anything at the moment. Now that she has written this piece I can't think why I didnt say what I wanted to when I was asked the question. I was told once that going through a divorce was like the death of a husband. No, no, it's not. After loving and being with someone who loved you in return, there is nothing that can fill the void that you feel in losing a husband, friend, partner, confidante, lover -- everything rolled into one, that won't go away. My husband died seven years ago after nearly fifty years together, and the feeling is still there. So all we can do is to take it and leave it in God's hands, keep loving each other, and keep the family together while praying that others will experience in their lifetime the love etc that we had in ours. We also pray for the others going through treatments to battle this terrible ailment.

Unknown said...

I can say I have seen you in the best of times and in the not so good times and can honestly say that with your husband you were at your best. Even though the illness took its toll and there were many stressful times...you were so happy together. This seemed to be a match based on true love, a union that was truly God-based and blessed by God.
I thank God for giving you that second chance to be with someone who truly loved and respected you and your children. I am sorry that his time on earth was so short but I know those special memories that you shared will sustain you on those days when you feel so alone

Jeannie said...

I never knew your husband but in reading this article Psalm 90:17 comes to mind. Truly the beauty of the Lord our God was upon him.Its reflected in every word that you have written. Thank you for sharing this beautiful glimpse of a marriage where both parties loved and cared for each other but most importantly one that sought to honor the God they served and believed in even though their world was rocked by pain,suffering and uncertainty.Thank you for giving those of us who have not yet walked this path but who may a blueprint to follow when we are called upon to put in action those portions of our marriage vows (sickness and health till death separates us...)that get lost in the romance of the wedding day.Thank you again for finding the strength and courage to write this.In the days months and years ahead may the Joy of the Lord continue to be your strength.

marie said...

Those words coming straight from your soul really moved me.
The measure of a person is how much he is missed when he is gone so your husband in those terms..is a giant among men

Sean said...

Oh man, how good it is to come across this piece. I lost someone dear to me a little while ago and I am still having such a hard time dealing with it. It's hard not to be angry with God when you don't understand why he allows these tragedies to come upon us, and yet he calls us to still have faith in his good purpose for us. But your editorial is such an inspiration. You just lost your husband and you still see the grace of God in it all. I'm truly sorry for your loss, but thank you for reminding me that God isn't finished yet, in your life or in mine. His plan is still unfolding, and I need to be ready for it when it happens. My deepest sympathies to you and your family.

Alex said...

It is such a traumatic time, coping with the loss of a loved one. Please accept my deepest condolences. So many people try to say they understand how you feel but they really don't. But believe me when I say I do. My father passed away from cancer about a month ago, and although it is not the same as losing a spouse, I am still left trying to figure out what this change means for my life and that of my family. Like you, my mother was his primary caregiver throughout the duration of his illness, and they fought a long hard battle. It is hard for me to accept that it's really over. That he is truly gone and not just away at an extended stay in the hospital like he would be many times. So many images of his battle with the illness and his death flood my mind from time to time, and it is truly haunting.

I come from a family with strong Christian evangelical values, and it seems like everyone is able to deal with the loss in their own way and call on the Lord to get them through. Yet, as I strive to deal with it in my own way, I can't help feeling anger over what seems like a long road God brought my family on - only to end it in defeat. We were encouraged by so many to have faith - which is already difficult for me - and put our hope in God's healing power, yet in the end it seems like our hopes were dashed. I was brought up to love the Lord and read my Bible daily, yet I am afraid I have been unable to pick it up and truly read it since his death, feeling detached from many things I hold dear. Many days I spend my spare time in my office locked away with my private thoughts. Sometimes it feels like such a lonely journey, when cancer takes a loved one and others around you don't understand the depths of the pain despite their best wishes. And it is hard to wrap your mind around the notion that it will ever be okay again, much more be a testimony to others.

But hearing your story brings much healing, if only in seeing the way you have chosen to handle the situation. Thank you for being so vulnerable and genuine. I can tell from your writing that you exude tremendous strength, the kind of strength I hope to come out with in the end. I am very happy that you have found the peace to be able to reconcile in your mind what has happened and continue to have faith in the fact that God allowed this for a greater purpose. I may not be where you are yet, but I DO have faith that I will get there.

Branden said...

Interesting you wrote this piece a day before Farrah Fawcett passed away. After reading your editorial, it seems like her battle was mirroring that of your husband's. It is a sad day as we watch two greats - one a Charlie's Angel and the other the King of Pop - slip away from us today. R.I.P. Farrah and MJ! Your legacy lives on.

Pastor Scott said...

Your editorial contained some of the most profound words on marriage, life, love, and loss I have ever come across. In a few hours, I will be doing a memorial and graveside service for a family friend. This article could not have come in a more timely way.

I want to thank your husband (retroactively), and God for including me in your faith walk. I am forever changed by the thoughts you shared and the way you went down this long dark, hallway together to the door we must each someday enter. On the other side: light and life and the face of God.

Trevor said...

My condolences to you in regards to the loss of your beloved husband; I am sorry he lost the battle and my prayers are with you as you strive to bring closure. But know how truly inspired I was by your article.

Linda S. said...

Lovely article. I think your children have also seen a fine example of womanhood and motherhood, which will reap great rewards for them in their own personal relationships. I hope you do not miss the value of what you brought to the equation because your integrity speaks volumes. What an absolutely inspiring walk for your children to witness in our divorce culture where spouses have become disposable when they no longer suit our needs.

Marcia said...

My Friend
Death is never an easy thing when you loose a love one.I have seen the love first hand it was not something I heard about from others it was not a show for public view but the love was real.
The task now begins when each morning you wake and he is not there in your space you feel like you just want to stay in bed and not get out and just want to pull the covers over your head and allow the day to end, But one thing I do know as the Sun rises each morning you will continue to wake up with loving reminders of the man you love.
When sickness comes we would like to think we could run to Walgreens and get some over the counter medication and all would be well or better yet know that whatever the Dr says you can beat it I have been there I know. Unfortunately God has a plan and a purpose for our lives and when that purpose has been fulfilled its finished here on Earth.
There are days I miss my cousin I miss the conversations about the family or even about the one man we love the most,Our Lord Jesus Christ but I know all is well with his Soul.
And as for you my friend I know you will be OK you have the Love of the Master, he brings comfort and he restores. Be strong and encourage your self as Paul did, he may be gone but he will never be forgotten.

Cheri said...

This is a beautifully written tribute, excellently articulated! I was saddened to hear of your husband's passing but only for a brief moment. Isn’t it comforting to know that he is with the Lord, and that one day you will see him again?

Your love and dedication to your husband is so evident and should be an inspiration to all who are faced with difficulties of this nature. In all my years of knowing your husband he was always positive and upbeat and he remained the same throughout his illness.

My condolences to you and your family. Remember, all things work together for good! Blessings!

Jeff Mc said...

The article was splendid. Your husband was "good people". I surely feel your loss. Be mindful in these times, that God will grant you the wisdom to understand His ways and the strength to endure this tremendous loss. Be comforted that you have the wonderful memories of your husband and your time together to cherish.

Marc B. said...

There is a reason that we go through certain things in life. Only God knows why he decided it was time for my uncle to come home. I can't imagine how difficult it must be, but I like to think of his passing as one more guardian angel watching over us. Because that's exactly what he was! He was a great man who touched my life and I miss him! I thank God every day for allowing me to reunite with him before he died. I will continue to keep you in my prayers and look forward to hopefully someday meeting you personally.

Nardine said...

This was an enlightening article about couples dealing with terminal illness. It made me tearful to imagine true love shared so completely in a world that hardly knows the meaning of selfless love. I have been praying for you daily and I sense you already know that God's purpose for you is not complete. This path with your husband was allowed to make you stronger and wiser. This loss can not be easy but, God plan is perfect.

Raquel said...

Thank You for inviting me into your life. Though we would only "run" into eachother between church services and on the ocassional prayer meeting, it always brought me joy to see your Husband. Praise God who has sustained you and transformed you from glory to glory into His image. Praying for you and your girls.
Love, Raquel